There has been extensive ersatz scientifically related essays written about
global warming, which, since there is cooling, is now called
climate change. That name is used because
global cooling was used in the 1970s and, if things were just cooling, they would not be changing, which includes warming.
Conditions are so bad the scholars of the United Nations have voted that humans cause whatever the current condition may be. While this is well enough, we must drill down below the superficial scientific jargon to determine what is happening and how we can fix the earth. After all, it is crazy to just blame everyone! The Heimlich Maneuver dictates that whatever the solutions may be, the right one is the simplest. Looking for the simplest idea should be, well, simple.
In biology there is a study of the neurological stuff found in the head. This is a serious scientific survey course, so it appeared to me that if I think using my brain, that would fall into neurological activity, which is scientific. So, after a few minutes of looking at the sub zero F (not C for commiegrade) weather outside my carbon producing coffee shop, I decided to solve the problem of the weather. All I needed was some science and anecdotal observation.
Science people have voted, I heard, that there is something called chaos theory. That is a fact; that being so, one can look to the little causes of big changes, such as a butterfly causing Katrina. This is scientific theory! I am no denier!
Therefore, while writing an email to Irene in Toronto, because I was tired of Canada sending us arctic weather, it suddenly was all clear. Simplistic observation reveals all.
Eureka! It is obvious: Canadian highs come from Canada; the arctic is in Canada; arrows of cold come from Ontario right down the Mohawk valley! This is so obvious that I am reminded of being a frog coming to boil in a pot.
I am announcing a new campaign: Blame Canada!
There is a 100% correlation, here. All cold weather that I feel comes from Canada. Even when some comes from, say Ohio, the weatherman in Ohio will tell you it originally came from Canada! 100% of the time. The correlation points directly at Canada; this truth is settled.
But it is not enough to blame an abstract, geo-political, semi-Marxist idea. We have to drill down and find the root cause, then, de root it. In the end, according to the U.N., people are the cause of major changes on the earth, therefore Canadians are responsible for global weather change in New York. QED. Where does that weather go? Everywhere!
The country would have died out soon enough, it being so cold, but they cleverly began having something call landed immigrants. Aliens, that is! Why the PC name for Aliens?
Aliens become Canadians and, therefore, keep up the stress on weather. This is an outrage! Notice all Canadians, alien or not, live on the other side of the border - the very same border where the Canadian cold fronts attack us in the quiet of the night. Vancouver is a hot bed of aliens who breathe and drive cars. CO2 is their natural resource, eh. They are part of the plot. No room, here, to explain the plot.
We have enough drones to chase all Canadians back to wherever they came from. This makes sense as there is no point in killing them as rotting bodies give off carbon dioxide. Aside from the science of the matter, the change has to be permanent which requires political manipulation.
Canadians must leave in fear and close their baby hospitals, where they develop SARS. The world must remain in fear of reconquering the land of the happy indigenous people. We need to arm the First Nations (silly name for Indians) and let them stay. Things were fine when the savages took care of mother earth. It is the Catholics and Episcopalians and Jews who infected Canada. Montreal is still a hotbed of frigid foreignism. They eat warm goat cheese, of all things. And poutine! Pig's knuckles!!!
The settle fact is clear: Canadians are responsible for climate change. There is no point in denying that. Universities should instigate courses in Canadian Cold Studies, so the sober students will understand the social justice of eliminating the evil superhero.
Weather change starts there, something we all know, and blows right through Buffalo, Albany, and continues on to cool the entire earth, then, when the earth tilts over, Canadian air heats the planet. This hot and cold game they play causes fronts, which, in turn, causes storms and kills earthlings. NEVER FORGET KATRINA!
Whether Canada's horrific pollution is caused by pure malevolence or ignorance does not matter where the earth's existence is in balance. A rabid dog must be put down.
Canadians must be regulated much mo
re, then, removed. Sorry.
Labels: arctic, blame Canada, climate change, correlations, Global warming
